The past few days my boys have been sick with colds and so I have stayed inside most of the day and just cuddled and loved them. It has given me plenty of time to think about things like life, and all the craziness it entails.
I have suffered from depression on and off since Tristan was born. At times it is really difficult and feels so overwhelming, almost like drowning. And yes I have taken pills for but not any more. It's getting better but I still have bad days. And it just KILLS me when people are so stupid and tell people who suffer from depression or anything, that "if you pray harder or are more spiritual this probably wouldn't be happening to you". Personally I think that's bullshit. Sorry but I do. I think that you can be a good person, or even a great person and have crap happen to you. I believe that, sure, praying can help get you through, and make life easier, but I think that also when we are suffering it's a time to make us stronger. I know GOOD people who suffer more than I think any one person should. I had this friend who was amazing. Truly an example of everything I wish I could be, and yet she lost 5 children and then was killed in a car accident when she was still so young, and I have one friend in particular who has been through so much. Living everyday is hard for her, and is this because she is not a good person, NO. I think it's because she is so much stronger than she or anybody else realizes. Does she screw up? Sure, but who doesn't? I'm pretty sure my baby's first word will be her name actually. And why some people can be so carelessly mean to her or anyone they don't really "get", or know is beyond me. I know that I am not perfect in this. I say stupid and mean things all the time, but I am working on it. Especially now.
Ok I'll get off my soap box now. I feel better.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Why?
Posted by Susan at 8:49 AM
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10 comments:
It's okay to let it all out, so kudos.
Let me know if I can help.
My mom suffers from depression too. She is one of the most spiritual people I know. I know that her depression has nothing to do with how good of a person she is or isn't. Everyone has different kinds of trials. We shouldn't compare with one another. I'm glad you are getting better. If you need someone to talk to or vent, let me know.
Christy
And, actually, if you think about, it makes sense that in some ways the more you try to be a good person, the harder life will be. There's just nothing you can do--no amount of prayers--that will guarantee a trial-free life. It's crazy how some people think that if you have enough faith, nothing bad will happen to you. Those people are setting themselves up to lose their testimonies--and be miserable forever--for sure.
We're all human, and because of that, we all have our various struggles--and you're RIGHT--it ISN'T our struggles that define who we are, it's how we handle those struggles and how we decide to let them (or not let them) shape our lives. Having depression, chronic our otherwise, certainly does not make you a bad person, and of course doesn't automatically mean you need to pray more or try harder or be better. I am sure you're doing your best, and our best is what is asked--the rest is up to God. Because we're human. We can't do it all on our own. We can't become what we want to be all on our own.
What I'm saying (in long breathless paragraph-form) is that I love you, and Heavenly Father loves you and is aware of your various hardships, and only He really knows you and knows what you need. So to any judgers--poo poo on you....
And yes....I just typed "poo poo" and "Heavenly Father" in the same paragraph. Ah, me. *sigh*
Appendix:
Just read the de souzas comment--whoever she is, she's great--just made me want to say: She's so right. Being a good person, praying, relying on the Lord and doing your best will not ensure a trial-free life. It will ensure that you will make it through those trials intact, sane, and hopefully stronger.
I'm not sure if you know this.. I lift weights and occasionaly kick box. I can beat some people up for you if you'd like... I won't even charge you. I LOVE YOU.
Wow I don't know the whole story behind all of this and now I wish I would have read it before I called yesterday so I could have given you time to talk more or let you know I love you. But I do love you and I'm sorry for the trials you and this friend of yours are having. God bless and we can't wait to see you in a few months.
Sus, almost my entire family has had a form of depression. It isn't biased and cares much about you, but will hit you whenever it feels like it. Just another trial to learn to live with and get past. I think all of us have a different form of depression if its incredible sadness over one thing or just a moment when all you want is to have a cryfest. It happens to all of us. Please call whenever you can, I miss you and your sweet family!!
You need to listen to me. There is a book you MUST read. It's called Learned Optimism by Seligman (?).
I know the answers aren't always found in a book--but I'm on my knees begging you to pick this one up.
And if you like it--you can pick up Authentic Happiness.
Please.
I'm sorry things have been rough! I wish people actually understood depression, and that it's not just some made up thing, where all you have to do is tell yourself to be happy. Hang in there, and if you need anything please let me know! Rememeber you are loved!! :-)
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