I've been struggling lately with so many things. Things that don't matter and things that feel like they will take over my life. Simple things like housework. Huge things like parenting and being a good parent for my beautiful babies. I've also been struggling with my testimony. I feel like my faith is being tested and I am on shaky ground. I had a doctors appt 2 weeks ago and they did a pregnancy blood test. About three hours later they called and informed me that it was positive. I wasn't prepared for that as David and I have been very careful to avoid that. I was actually very upset. That night David came home and calmed me down, talked me through it and got me to a place where I was ready to accept it. The next day was Friday. David had the day off so we slept in cuddled our babies in bed and talked about it some more. Trying to understand the Lord's plan for our family. The doctors seemed to think that with the many different things that my body has gone through it would be in my best interest not to have anymore children. It took a little while but I was fine with that. I feel so blessed to have the 2 amazing kids that I have! I felt content with my life and complete. Until that stinkin blood test came along and ruined it all!
Friday morning I had another blood test to check my hormone levels and then I had an appt with the head of the OBGYN's at the hospital to do a pelvic ultrasound to determine where the baby was. Double checking to make sure that it was not another ectopic. The nurse got me all set up prepped the machine and we waited patiently for the doctor. When Dr. Moore finally came in he was looking a little perplexed and he told me there was some confusion. My blood test from today had come back negative. I was not pregnant. Just to be sure he did the ultrasound anyway and sure enough, no baby. I just started crying. I wasn't sure why. I didn't know if I should feel relieved or disappointed. In fact I still don't know!
The past 2 weeks David and I have been trying to decide if we want to take the risk of getting pregnant again. He has faith that it will work out the way it's supposed to. Me, not so much. I am working on gaining that faith.
A few weeks ago I was hanging out with my incredible friend Elaina and she told me about a blog she sometimes reads called Nie Nie Dialoges found here.
I am a Mormon and I am proud to be a Mormon. I know that I have a loving Father in Heaven and he is on my side. That my trails are for my growth and to help me, not hinder me. I am continually surrounded by wonderful people who help me through the rough patches in life. And I know that whatever choice David and I make will be the right one. Because it will be made not just between the 2 of us but between us and our Father in Heaven. He never left my side, rather I left His. For all my trails I love my life, and my family.
So here is the video.
4 comments:
Thank you for sharing. We'll be praying for you.
Oh Susan--I am so happy that you have a strong testimony. I think you'd have to, to be able to rally like you have. Rest easy; your life is in the Lord's hands.
I watched the video too, and it is so uplifting and wonderful! I'm sorry you've been yo-yo-ed between excitement and disappointment. I sure miss you. Stay strong woman! You're a rock. And you're real and keeping it real. I love that about you. Your new friends are so lucky to have you!
Please know that we all struggle sometimes. We all have trials that sometimes seem impossible. Thank goodness for women like the one in this video that remind us of what's truly important. I love you!
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